Trust. And distractions.

I try so hard.  Trust is an incredible thing; an ongoing struggle.  Past ghosts consistently infiltrating relationship lines.

Trust.  Noun.  Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. The condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

I’ve entrusted my heart to you.  The words, the feelings, they say it is true, but I stumble upon old treasures from your “lover” and obsession gone past, and I can’t figure out why they still exist.  Why you keep them so close.  It’s like a tiny stab repeatedly jarring my heart.  Looking for a camera chord to complete your Christmas surprise has inflicted so much anxiety and stress. I need to not open drawers, because it is better to live in ignorance, right?  Thank the Lord for alcohol.

That Moment

The waves of yellow air begin to pound

As the lips become numb and

Begin to puff.

An arm of a light is over me, neither blinding nor claiming its own right.

It is a moment:  a moment I have felt

Many times before.

I have been here.  I have done this.

_

Surrounded by colors

The texture of terry loops catching on the

Pads of my dry skin

As I rhythmically fold.

I fulfill the childhood fantasy surrounded by

Home furnishings, elevator music

And towels.

And that feeling;

I have been here.  I have done this.

_

Sitting by a window

Soon I will be 10,000 feet in the air.

Faintly detecting the sounds of the top 40

As my neighbor for a mere 5.4 hours buds blare

The words of hope, of despair, and

Passion.

As I watch their subtle movements,

Exact

And meant to bring you to them,

I wonder of their hopes and dreams.

And there it is.

A moment.

I have been here.  I know this feeling well.

_

I think of the reaction when

I share the news of life.

It seems real.  It seems real.

It seems real.

I know this moment.

It is a lie.

_

We stop to watch a moment

In time when things are hopeful.

Lovely.  And

Complete.

The warmth of your arm on mine

We are not yet touching but in that

Moment, we are close.

And there it is.

I know this moment.  I complete this moment.

_

A feeling of peace. Of

calm.  Of

Routine monotonous drones.

But not at all.

It is new, energy is high and bright, but it is a good and comforting

Friend.

I have been here.  Except,

I have not at all.  I have done this.  Yet this

Time is my first.

_

The cherry

Is continuously

Popped.

The Letter “P”

It has been over a year and I cannot bring myself to delete the number from my phone.  The cellular device number and his name appear on my phone every single day.  Multiple times a day.  “P” seems to be the letter that randomly gets hit on my QWERTY.  Logically, it is because it is the letter that is on the end of my blackberry keyboard.  Each time it pops up I see it as a sign of something I am not willing to think about, and I ignore the logical reasoning.  And every time it pops up I hit the button with the red phone on it to make the name and those numbers disappear as quick as possible.  I won’t delete it.  I won’t look at it.  And today, I realized I will not call it.  I am sure AT&T has assigning the number to another one of their valuable customers.  However, I will not call to find out.  That would make it real.  I am still not ready for it to be real. 

Peace.  But not inner…not yet any way.

Maturity

Thoughts have been slowly slipping in subtly to my daily life.  At first I did not notice their presence.  The point has come where I can no longer deny these thoughts, as they have become a part of me and have shaped who I am and who I am becoming.  These little buggers made their way past the bouncer and have led me to believe that I am a real life adult.  That maturity is setting in.  And for the first time in my life, I feel I am comfortable and ready to commit.  Now this new found sense of commitment is manifesting itself to me in many different forms, and the intensity varies from day to day.

The first thought has manifested around the idea of what relationships and interactions with every human being really entail.  Having been a people watcher since I can remember, this year I seemed to develop a love of analysis of behaviors.  Perhaps my brain has shifted, or matured, for I feel that I now have begun to think in a slightly tweaked way.  Peoples’ behaviors have become much more clear and the understanding of each individual I come into contact with seems more accurate and profound.  Often this has left me with a sense of awe that inspires myself.  Many times lately I begin talking, usually without thinking, and the words that flow from my open mouth surprise even me.  I often ask myself, “Who am I?”  And yes, this question is often asked aloud to those around me.

While pondering these interactions, I have observed the way in which I approach others and how in return they approach me.  Pondering my past has allowed me to conclude that I have chosen to enter into unhealthy “romantic” relationships the majority of the time, fully knowing that they would not be progressing farther than the physical, if even at all.  Only one of these relationships left me baffled, thinking that I would have some fun and bail, but it became exponentially more and there began to be talk of marriage.  Terrified, I quickly found a way to make this relationship fall apart.   I was scared to death of having to face issues, make decisions, and own up to being an adult.  Rarely do I feel the need to have someone in my life to call my own, to hold me as I sleep, and to let me help them achieve something better.  In high school I was asked on a plethora of dates.  The amount even seemed somewhat ridiculous.  However, it seemed that as soon as I graduated that quickly slowed down, and the excuses became that I was too young for the older fellas, or that I was too mature for the guys my own age.  I came to terms with this and have not felt the need to have a “companion” in…well, ever really.

Lately I have been pursuing a few different people and have come to realize many things about myself and about others.  I want to date someone who is not necessarily religious, but has similar standards and values.  I have found those girls whom with I have similar interests and standards, but they wouldn’t be ready to commit or are yet comfortable with discontinuing the dogmas under which they were raised.  Coming from such a conservative lifestyle, these girls seem to overcompensate by going to the other end of the spectrum of behavior, filling their lives with deviant behavior and bitterness towards anything they associate with their old lives.  This seems only natural, for it takes time to find a healthy middle ground and to be able to separate the old from the new in a healthy way.   I did the same thing starting four years ago, and lasting for two years; I had my chance to attend parties and  make those less than wise decisions.  However, I now feel stable in the sense of finding that healthy middle ground, which is always progressing and fine tuning.  Desire to find someone else who has also found this middle ground too has been filling my head these days.  Yes, in essence, I am looking for someone to commit to and devote myself to. Not because I feel that I need someone, for I am stable on my own, but to have someone to help me grow and develop in new ways.  Drawback: I live in Utah and there aren’t many options that I have encountered.

The second realization of reaching adulthood is that I want to settle down.  I have been toying a lot lately with the idea of buying a house.  However, I know that I do not want to end up in Logan, UT.  I like Logan, but feel that I have bigger and better things to accomplish, including graduate school, none of which are in Logan.  The market is down, and the time to purchase a home is now.  Maybe I’ll commit to a new vehicle first.  The moral of this section is that the urge to settle down is prominent and I am no longer denying that urge.

The third realization of adulthood happened a few weeks ago.  I was shopping at a local grocery store when I happened to pass two people I had graduated high school with.  They were both dressed in church-type clothing and were catching up on each others lives.  I could not help but hear a bit of their conversation as I walked by, and it hit me:  This is it.  We meet in grocery stores as old friends and have those conversations that our parents’ would have with their old friends when we were merely children.  We have accomplished things and have stories and updates to share with people who we may not have even seen since graduation.

2010.  It is nearly here and I have been pondering the goals I want to accomplish this upcoming year (also a big step…commitment kept me from allowing myself to establish goals in the past, despite the fact that I work really well when I have a set goal).  This year I would like to come up with my tentative 1, 5, and 10 year plans.  Taking time to think of where I want to end up, and setting appropriate steps to allow me to get there is what I will be doing next.  I do want 2010 to bring a bit of love, and a bit of wisdom, a BA diploma, and also a new purchase of either of the aforementioned items.  The years are coming and I am ready to kick some trash.  Maybe I’ll kick a nice soup can, that may make a fun noise.  (Oh no, 4 AM jokes are coming out…and that spurs coming out thoughts…this may be a year for some major progression in that area as well.)

So here is to growing up and growing wise and to a marvelous year, and years, to come.

*lifts goblet nobly in your direction, nods head, and sips that wine*

Peace.

Ideas of God…always changing.

Now I think I am to a point where I can almost say I believe in god (very absolute, I know), but  the god that I am coming to accept is very different than the one who was taught to me through the Mormon theology as I understood it growing up.  I believe in a god who loves unconditionally and who allows people to find happiness.  I honestly believe that things happen for a reason.  We meet certain people, we are in certain spots at certain times, and we are supposed to learn of things in those moments that will shape and mold our futures.  The god that I had perceived as a child and young adult involved only accepting those who were Mormon, married, and nearly perfect in every way.  That is what was needed in order to enter the Celestial Kingdom.  And being a competitive soul, while in the church that was my goal, but I felt like I could never be myself and also stay true to the teachings.

However, I do not think God is going to condone me, or think less of me because I am figuring out who I am without the church.  It has taken me a very long time to get to a point in my life where I am mostly at peace with who I am.  It is nowhere near being complete, as this life is full of new understandings and opportunities for growth each day.  What I have taken from this is the ability to find a spot in my life where I am able to see clearer.  I had to throw off religion completely for a while in order to clear my head, but as I have done so, I have lost that debilitating fear of actually feeling something.  I was often scared to attend church activities of any sort and would grow anxious at the thought; because I was scared the “spirit” would testify to me that I was doing something wrong.  That I was making the wrong choices with my life.  And then I would feel that I had to return with no other choices out there. I came to a point where I was able to realize that I could not be tricked into becoming religious again, for I am an intelligent human being who thinks way too much for her own good mostly.  I have reached a point where the standards and values I possess are very similar for the most part to what I learned as a child.  There are slight differences that people tend to focus on, and I am still figuring out the specifics, but I feel that I am genuinely a good person with just as good a chance at salvation as others.  I feel that I have just as much right to happiness as the next individual.  And also that god will not hate me for being human and for doing what I think I need to do.  For I honestly believe that I am heading down the path that I am suppose to be on.  Heading down the path that is going to help me most to grow and to develop.  I do not know where this path will take me.  I am clueless in every way and don’t have a clear view of my future.  I do not know where I will end up, I haven’t the slightest idea.

Life is a funny thing, none of us get out alive, and I don’t think anyone knows all of the answers.  I think there are people who are happy with the answers they decide to stick by, and I too want to be one of those people.  I have been numb for a long long time, and who knows, I will probably continue on in this numb state.  It is just easier this way.  But it is also a lot more detrimental.  We should be feeling things, experiencing human emotions; the problem is how to do this without screwing up your life and worrying too much over the trivial parts.  Or in my case, tendencies to over-analyze everything. Let it come in, let it go out, and then be done and be at peace.  That is my goal.

Peace.

Love, Lust and Life

I often find myself admiring attractive individuals, and lusting.  At other times, I see an individual and don’t so much lust as fail to take notice.  Then something spectacular happens and the person who was not lusted after becomes beautiful and a bond is formed.  This is not only in romantic-type relations, but in everyday relationships with all of those I interact with.

Relationship 1:

I struggle with my employment sometimes.  There was a good 4 months where I dreaded going to work for I left each day feeling defeated.  Sure, I always had a good story to reminisce about, whether it included cops or threats on my life, but it didn’t seem to be enough.  I dreaded seeing people I worked with more often than was required.  The past few months have calmed down.  The other day one of the girls I work with told me she loved me.  I replied that I loved her too, which if you know me at all is very uncharacteristic.  I do not say those words hardly ever.  As I walked out of the door I began thinking about why I had responded in such a way.  It then hit me: I really do love these girls.

Relationship 2:

I have a friend, and the moment we met there was something there.  Not romantic at all, for he likes boys and I like girls.  But I knew we would click and that I would tell him many things I don’t tell others usually.  We formed a bond that I never thought would break . . . .

Relationship 3:

Then there are the friendships that sneak up on you and you find yourself saying “When did we become friends?  How did we suddenly have all of these mutual experiences?  I know I was there, but did I miss something?”  We hang out all of the time, and have a numerous amount of shared activities, but you find yourself feeling like you don’t really know one another.  Then you think about the many road trips you have been on.  The many late nights talking together.  And you then come to realize that this friendship has snuck up on you, but its real.  And its amazing. And you do in fact know each other better than you previously thought.

Relationship 4:

Then come the relationships that are not what you expect.  You instantly become friends, spending every moment together in a sort of foggy, and almost angelic, blur.  You feel that you have so much in common and that it is too good to be true . . . because it is.  As the both of you begin to learn of each other, you realize that this is a bad fit.  You do not mesh as previously thought, and because you entered this friendship with such recklessness, the slightest thing gives you an excuse to bail.  And mostly you do.  It was a lustful relationship, like a shiny new toy that has been thrown to the wayside due to the bells and whistles not being shiny or shrill enough to entertain your fancy.

Relationship 5:

There are some things that work out.  And they work out well.  And the friendships last for years.  The closeness goes beyond what you could have ever imagined on your first healthy casual encounter.  It is not lustful, it is not demeaning, but it is something beautiful that grows into love and this is what make life worth living.  These pure friendships aren’t always perfect, but there is truth in their eyes.

Many of these types of friendships overlap, but not all.  It is this mixture that keeps me kicking and smiling each day.  Although, when you feel these friendships slipping, it can also be a reason to not want to go forward.  A reason to lose motivation.  However, there seems to consistently be a friend there to pull you back.  And then you smile.

Peace.

Falling

I find myself looking forward to the days when I won’t have to leave the sanctity of my bed.  Counting down the hours that I can crawl in and not have to emerge from it for an extended period of time.

This was the case this past weekend.  I found myself not arising from out of bed until 4 pm, only as a friend wanted to go get food, however, when I returned home an hour later, I quickly changed back into sleep attire and resumed into my nook of solace.  At 9 pm another friend needed to talk, so once again I crawled from my hole to emerge my head for a mere 3 hours.

I feel as though I am losing hope.  As though I no longer feel the need to accomplish everyday, rudimentary tasks.  I often find myself wondering if school is worth the hassle, if work is worth the stress, if I need to ever pursue a relationship of any sort.  Often I am tempted to sever +every emotional tie that I currently feel.  Hopelessness is consuming my thoughts more and more lately.  Am I comfortable with these thoughts?  What scares me most is the knowledge that I am extremely comfortable with giving up, throwing in the towel, and calling it quits.

A friend of mine decided that our friendship needed to be redefined.  On their terms.  I feel as though I have no say in where it can go. At first I lied and said I was better off without the unnecessary drama it was protruding on my life.  And then while sitting at work on a Saturday night, I quit lying.  I broke down and let the tears begin to flow.  They have had a hard time stopping.  A concerned client continued to ask if I was crying, I repeatedly denied the allegations stating that I was not.  She knew better and soon gave me the much needed space.

Going from spending nearly every moment together in a beautiful blissful state to calling it quits had finally been too much for me to handle.  I find myself alone now more than ever, allowing myself to slow down for the first time in nearly 8 months.  This has left me often having to face issues that have been avoided for months, and even years.  I find myself alone in an emotional sense for the first time in almost a year.  We were not dating, and there were no romantic feelings in the mix, but emotional attachment was immense.  At least on my side.  And although this is not the only friend I have been attached to in a year, I have seamlessly moved from one confidant to another with ease.  I often find myself in a state of loss and hopelessness and when I am not breaking down, I seem to continually be on the verge of tears.

It didn’t help that I was under the impression that I was starting to date someone when this last reconfiguration of friendship happened.  I told myself things were okay, this new relationship would fill the void and I would be able to ignore the emotions that remained dormant.  I have since realized that I am wrong.  Although there is still confusion, I have had to face the fact that the relationship has been stunted and will not be progressing farther.  This does not help.  I want someone.  I have not wanted to have someone in probably close to two years, and have never wanted someone who I want to commit to fully.  Finally struggling and reaching the point of letting a significant other in, only to realize they were not ready. The cliff of hopelessness looms before me.  No one can be turned to.  Yes, I have found that friend in all of this who I have connected with more and am deeply grateful for his love and friendship, but he is also friends with the two aforementioned people.  I cannot truly release and tell him my thoughts and this is causing me to spiral into a funk.  So long before the winter and the seasonal depression that always is present and I am already reaching a low.

Sure, we all have bad days, even several in a row.  This one is different.  This one is deeper.  This one is more prolonged.  And as the gloomy winter sits on the cusp of Earth’s sleeve, I feel as though this will not pass.  This worries me.  And although in the near future I may look back at this post and laugh and pose that I tend to be melodramatic, here and now today I feel sensible.  I feel sure.  I feel weak.  I feel scared like never before.  I feel I am falling.