Thoughts have been slowly slipping in subtly to my daily life. At first I did not notice their presence. The point has come where I can no longer deny these thoughts, as they have become a part of me and have shaped who I am and who I am becoming. These little buggers made their way past the bouncer and have led me to believe that I am a real life adult. That maturity is setting in. And for the first time in my life, I feel I am comfortable and ready to commit. Now this new found sense of commitment is manifesting itself to me in many different forms, and the intensity varies from day to day.
The first thought has manifested around the idea of what relationships and interactions with every human being really entail. Having been a people watcher since I can remember, this year I seemed to develop a love of analysis of behaviors. Perhaps my brain has shifted, or matured, for I feel that I now have begun to think in a slightly tweaked way. Peoples’ behaviors have become much more clear and the understanding of each individual I come into contact with seems more accurate and profound. Often this has left me with a sense of awe that inspires myself. Many times lately I begin talking, usually without thinking, and the words that flow from my open mouth surprise even me. I often ask myself, “Who am I?” And yes, this question is often asked aloud to those around me.
While pondering these interactions, I have observed the way in which I approach others and how in return they approach me. Pondering my past has allowed me to conclude that I have chosen to enter into unhealthy “romantic” relationships the majority of the time, fully knowing that they would not be progressing farther than the physical, if even at all. Only one of these relationships left me baffled, thinking that I would have some fun and bail, but it became exponentially more and there began to be talk of marriage. Terrified, I quickly found a way to make this relationship fall apart. I was scared to death of having to face issues, make decisions, and own up to being an adult. Rarely do I feel the need to have someone in my life to call my own, to hold me as I sleep, and to let me help them achieve something better. In high school I was asked on a plethora of dates. The amount even seemed somewhat ridiculous. However, it seemed that as soon as I graduated that quickly slowed down, and the excuses became that I was too young for the older fellas, or that I was too mature for the guys my own age. I came to terms with this and have not felt the need to have a “companion” in…well, ever really.
Lately I have been pursuing a few different people and have come to realize many things about myself and about others. I want to date someone who is not necessarily religious, but has similar standards and values. I have found those girls whom with I have similar interests and standards, but they wouldn’t be ready to commit or are yet comfortable with discontinuing the dogmas under which they were raised. Coming from such a conservative lifestyle, these girls seem to overcompensate by going to the other end of the spectrum of behavior, filling their lives with deviant behavior and bitterness towards anything they associate with their old lives. This seems only natural, for it takes time to find a healthy middle ground and to be able to separate the old from the new in a healthy way. I did the same thing starting four years ago, and lasting for two years; I had my chance to attend parties and make those less than wise decisions. However, I now feel stable in the sense of finding that healthy middle ground, which is always progressing and fine tuning. Desire to find someone else who has also found this middle ground too has been filling my head these days. Yes, in essence, I am looking for someone to commit to and devote myself to. Not because I feel that I need someone, for I am stable on my own, but to have someone to help me grow and develop in new ways. Drawback: I live in Utah and there aren’t many options that I have encountered.
The second realization of reaching adulthood is that I want to settle down. I have been toying a lot lately with the idea of buying a house. However, I know that I do not want to end up in Logan, UT. I like Logan, but feel that I have bigger and better things to accomplish, including graduate school, none of which are in Logan. The market is down, and the time to purchase a home is now. Maybe I’ll commit to a new vehicle first. The moral of this section is that the urge to settle down is prominent and I am no longer denying that urge.
The third realization of adulthood happened a few weeks ago. I was shopping at a local grocery store when I happened to pass two people I had graduated high school with. They were both dressed in church-type clothing and were catching up on each others lives. I could not help but hear a bit of their conversation as I walked by, and it hit me: This is it. We meet in grocery stores as old friends and have those conversations that our parents’ would have with their old friends when we were merely children. We have accomplished things and have stories and updates to share with people who we may not have even seen since graduation.
2010. It is nearly here and I have been pondering the goals I want to accomplish this upcoming year (also a big step…commitment kept me from allowing myself to establish goals in the past, despite the fact that I work really well when I have a set goal). This year I would like to come up with my tentative 1, 5, and 10 year plans. Taking time to think of where I want to end up, and setting appropriate steps to allow me to get there is what I will be doing next. I do want 2010 to bring a bit of love, and a bit of wisdom, a BA diploma, and also a new purchase of either of the aforementioned items. The years are coming and I am ready to kick some trash. Maybe I’ll kick a nice soup can, that may make a fun noise. (Oh no, 4 AM jokes are coming out…and that spurs coming out thoughts…this may be a year for some major progression in that area as well.)
So here is to growing up and growing wise and to a marvelous year, and years, to come.
*lifts goblet nobly in your direction, nods head, and sips that wine*
Peace.
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