Ideas of God…always changing.

Now I think I am to a point where I can almost say I believe in god (very absolute, I know), but  the god that I am coming to accept is very different than the one who was taught to me through the Mormon theology as I understood it growing up.  I believe in a god who loves unconditionally and who allows people to find happiness.  I honestly believe that things happen for a reason.  We meet certain people, we are in certain spots at certain times, and we are supposed to learn of things in those moments that will shape and mold our futures.  The god that I had perceived as a child and young adult involved only accepting those who were Mormon, married, and nearly perfect in every way.  That is what was needed in order to enter the Celestial Kingdom.  And being a competitive soul, while in the church that was my goal, but I felt like I could never be myself and also stay true to the teachings.

However, I do not think God is going to condone me, or think less of me because I am figuring out who I am without the church.  It has taken me a very long time to get to a point in my life where I am mostly at peace with who I am.  It is nowhere near being complete, as this life is full of new understandings and opportunities for growth each day.  What I have taken from this is the ability to find a spot in my life where I am able to see clearer.  I had to throw off religion completely for a while in order to clear my head, but as I have done so, I have lost that debilitating fear of actually feeling something.  I was often scared to attend church activities of any sort and would grow anxious at the thought; because I was scared the “spirit” would testify to me that I was doing something wrong.  That I was making the wrong choices with my life.  And then I would feel that I had to return with no other choices out there. I came to a point where I was able to realize that I could not be tricked into becoming religious again, for I am an intelligent human being who thinks way too much for her own good mostly.  I have reached a point where the standards and values I possess are very similar for the most part to what I learned as a child.  There are slight differences that people tend to focus on, and I am still figuring out the specifics, but I feel that I am genuinely a good person with just as good a chance at salvation as others.  I feel that I have just as much right to happiness as the next individual.  And also that god will not hate me for being human and for doing what I think I need to do.  For I honestly believe that I am heading down the path that I am suppose to be on.  Heading down the path that is going to help me most to grow and to develop.  I do not know where this path will take me.  I am clueless in every way and don’t have a clear view of my future.  I do not know where I will end up, I haven’t the slightest idea.

Life is a funny thing, none of us get out alive, and I don’t think anyone knows all of the answers.  I think there are people who are happy with the answers they decide to stick by, and I too want to be one of those people.  I have been numb for a long long time, and who knows, I will probably continue on in this numb state.  It is just easier this way.  But it is also a lot more detrimental.  We should be feeling things, experiencing human emotions; the problem is how to do this without screwing up your life and worrying too much over the trivial parts.  Or in my case, tendencies to over-analyze everything. Let it come in, let it go out, and then be done and be at peace.  That is my goal.

Peace.