Falling

I find myself looking forward to the days when I won’t have to leave the sanctity of my bed.  Counting down the hours that I can crawl in and not have to emerge from it for an extended period of time.

This was the case this past weekend.  I found myself not arising from out of bed until 4 pm, only as a friend wanted to go get food, however, when I returned home an hour later, I quickly changed back into sleep attire and resumed into my nook of solace.  At 9 pm another friend needed to talk, so once again I crawled from my hole to emerge my head for a mere 3 hours.

I feel as though I am losing hope.  As though I no longer feel the need to accomplish everyday, rudimentary tasks.  I often find myself wondering if school is worth the hassle, if work is worth the stress, if I need to ever pursue a relationship of any sort.  Often I am tempted to sever +every emotional tie that I currently feel.  Hopelessness is consuming my thoughts more and more lately.  Am I comfortable with these thoughts?  What scares me most is the knowledge that I am extremely comfortable with giving up, throwing in the towel, and calling it quits.

A friend of mine decided that our friendship needed to be redefined.  On their terms.  I feel as though I have no say in where it can go. At first I lied and said I was better off without the unnecessary drama it was protruding on my life.  And then while sitting at work on a Saturday night, I quit lying.  I broke down and let the tears begin to flow.  They have had a hard time stopping.  A concerned client continued to ask if I was crying, I repeatedly denied the allegations stating that I was not.  She knew better and soon gave me the much needed space.

Going from spending nearly every moment together in a beautiful blissful state to calling it quits had finally been too much for me to handle.  I find myself alone now more than ever, allowing myself to slow down for the first time in nearly 8 months.  This has left me often having to face issues that have been avoided for months, and even years.  I find myself alone in an emotional sense for the first time in almost a year.  We were not dating, and there were no romantic feelings in the mix, but emotional attachment was immense.  At least on my side.  And although this is not the only friend I have been attached to in a year, I have seamlessly moved from one confidant to another with ease.  I often find myself in a state of loss and hopelessness and when I am not breaking down, I seem to continually be on the verge of tears.

It didn’t help that I was under the impression that I was starting to date someone when this last reconfiguration of friendship happened.  I told myself things were okay, this new relationship would fill the void and I would be able to ignore the emotions that remained dormant.  I have since realized that I am wrong.  Although there is still confusion, I have had to face the fact that the relationship has been stunted and will not be progressing farther.  This does not help.  I want someone.  I have not wanted to have someone in probably close to two years, and have never wanted someone who I want to commit to fully.  Finally struggling and reaching the point of letting a significant other in, only to realize they were not ready. The cliff of hopelessness looms before me.  No one can be turned to.  Yes, I have found that friend in all of this who I have connected with more and am deeply grateful for his love and friendship, but he is also friends with the two aforementioned people.  I cannot truly release and tell him my thoughts and this is causing me to spiral into a funk.  So long before the winter and the seasonal depression that always is present and I am already reaching a low.

Sure, we all have bad days, even several in a row.  This one is different.  This one is deeper.  This one is more prolonged.  And as the gloomy winter sits on the cusp of Earth’s sleeve, I feel as though this will not pass.  This worries me.  And although in the near future I may look back at this post and laugh and pose that I tend to be melodramatic, here and now today I feel sensible.  I feel sure.  I feel weak.  I feel scared like never before.  I feel I am falling.